A Plea To COEXIST With Children
Featured Post #18
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Today’s Featured Post is by
, author of Rebel Rebel, and was selected by SmallStack volunteer . Cheshir writes:I don't have much of an opinion on children (not enough exposure to them to have an opinion, anyway), but I have seen American culture's distaste for them. When I mentioned at my first part-time job that I lived next to an elementary school, my boss immediately exclaimed how horrible that must be. For the traffic, sure, but his only concern was the children. Is it really so bad to hear children playing? To him, and a lot of my then coworkers, yes, it was a terrible situation. I felt that it wasn't too different from living in the city or next to a hardware warehouse or even a lively creek—it was just noise that you couldn't help but hear—but they insisted that children were somehow worse. Seoyeon brings up many great points and personal experiences to show that we need more coexistence with children. Tolerance is not enough if we want to raise a society of kind, sociable people.
A SmallStack Featured Post
A Plea To COEXIST With Children
We need everyone's help to raise children as responsible members of society
By
I am traveling to Korea for visa purpose to prepare for my transition to graduate school (again!). The one thing I am kinda stressed about is how my Korean-American child will be regarded/accepted in Korea. I was born and raised in Korea, but I have felt that my country has recently pushed a lot to distinguish “kid’s space” from “adult’s space.”
Korea has always had a pretty strict culture towards children, but now I think it has gone too far, and we know it. Korea has one of the lowest birth rates for so many reasons, but I am pretty sure one of the reasons would be the fact that children are not sincerely welcome or accepted as they are in society. For instance, there are a lot of restaurants that legitimately restrict children (you can even put a filter to find places with the restriction).
If you know me, I am all for creating safe boundaries around children and making sure they get designated child-oriented spaces where they can be free without worrying about adult stuff. I also think it is developmentally appropriate to restrict exposure to certain adult content for young children.
However, the separation between a kid’s life and an adult’s life seems to have become more rigid. Not just in Korea but in America, too. Dramatically speaking, I’m sure there will be a bus/subway for kids only one day so that they do not become a “nuisance” for adults. Honestly, I understand, because I was an active child-hater once. Nevertheless, I have learned that it is a public health and a public policy issue to ensure that children are respected as a valid group in society. Of course, having a child myself and pursuing respectful parenting definitely granted me a mindset shift.
Here is a radical thought: maybe we feel burdened by our children’s existence because we are not letting children into adults’ lives. I might be stretching a little too far here.. but hear me out. This kind of distinction between children’s and adults’ lives has permeated our daily lives, limiting empathy, compassion, and connection between these groups. Further, it has also created a narrative that issues relevant to children are only for children and their families and no one else’s responsibility. You can’t come to the class because you cannot find a babysitter? Sorry, but don’t come to the class and your participation point will be deducted (It happened to me at UCLA - and it was an emergency situation due to a COVID case in my kid’s class). Do you want to resume your drawing hobby? Better find a babysitter first. It’s going to be $25/hr for the sitter for your $20 drawing class.
In 1990s Korea, between the ages of 3 and 6, I was mostly raised by my relatives. They were an opera co-director at the biggest production in Korea, a private teacher for high school students, and an employee at the largest department store. That sounds fancy, but they were all in their early careers and had earned little. But they took turns to take care of me, and I remember following them everywhere. There was no concept of a babysitter.
At opera rehearsals, I would read books, draw stuff, dance with dancers, mimic singers, run errands, and help them move props. At classes, I would sit in there and listen to my aunt teaching or play tick-tack-toe or bingo with the students during recess. The students would teach me how to draw a doll or an animal and braid my hair. At the department store, I ate at the employees’ cafeteria and hung out with other employees while my uncle was in a meeting, singing and dancing. The gist is that I, as a 5-year-old kid, never felt unwelcome. No one felt uncomfortable.
I am not asking to do this. Time has changed. We have learned that certain exposures are not beneficial for children and there are more ways to get help for childcare (are there tho!?). I am also not asking to bring children everywhere every day. I’m just asking to accept the fact that children are also valid members of this society as a whole individual and not to be ignored or confined in “children’s area” until they grow up.
Many people do not want to see wild children in sight, especially in public places. Of course, I understand sometimes children’s behaviors do not align with what adults want to see in public. However, children behave in that way not purposefully but because they are children. I do not mean that we should just let them throw forks or run inside a restaurant. What I mean is we can at least try to understand that’s what children do and lead them with kindness to cooperate. I need your help to grab my child from running into the street, to show her how to make a crane with a dinner napkin, and to play rock-paper-scissors with her to stop her from running. This is the village we are missing.
Instead, what I often witness is blaming, judging, banning, and shunning. This kind of attitude has diminished the realm of children as members of society and has created a stark line between children and adults. Then in this already adult-centered society, where do children belong? Only in a playground and children’s museum?
It seems like the world wants to hide them in children’s areas until they grow up. But if children do not learn how to exist everywhere else but playgrounds, how will they learn to adapt and function in the adult world later? From a textbook? At home? From school? Do you think they will magically learn how to survive in this adult world when their age reaches 18 or 21? NO.
Developmental science has confirmed over and over that children learn from interactions with other people in different environments. Learning to be a member of society as a responsible human being takes time, practice, and constant push/pull interactions with diverse people and environments.
I am not saying that children must learn “how to behave” like adults from young. Also, children deserve to run as freely as possible in places they can run, and some places are not for running for many reasons. I am not even suggesting that we “welcome” or “love” children. What I am asserting here is that adults need a reality check to ensure that we coexist with our children and share this world TOGETHER. That is, children should not be confined only to the “children’s area” but should be understood as a child and treated as deserving members of society in everyday spaces. We cannot expect them to stay in a playground and school until they reach 18 and suddenly become functional members of society in 10,000 different places.
I hope the love inside me lights up the love in you.
About the author
is a rebel parent with many stories in her heart. Her childhood dream was to join the 27 Club as a rock ‘n’ roll artist. Although that dream did not work out, she still holds the rock ‘n’ roll spirit and now pursues a different dream of becoming a play researcher. Through her writing, Seoyeon hopes to create a groovy and authentic space for families with diverse backgrounds.Rebel Rebel is a reflective guide for whole-child parenting based on research and Seoyeon’s experiences as a child and as a parent. Seoyeon writes about respectful parenting and child development, enmeshed with public policy and education, with a sprinkle of b*tchiness and rock ‘n’ roll spirit. The substack is not “This is what you should do” but “Here’s some info. What do you think?” She hopes to democratize caregiving knowledge through her personal experiences to empower caregivers and honor every child.
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Excerpt from Mathilda
The children's eyes were riveted on the Headmistress. "I don't like small people," she was saying. "Small people should never be seen by anybody. They should be kept out of sight in boxes like hairpins and buttons. I cannot for the life of me see why children have to take so long to grow up. I think they do it on purpose."
Another extremely brave little boy in the front row spoke up and said, “But surely you were a small person once, Miss Trunchbull, weren’t you?”
“I was never a small person,” she snapped. “I have been large all my life and I don’t see why others can’t be the same way.”
“But you must have started out as a baby,” the boy said.
“Me! A baby!” shouted the Trunchbull. “How dare you suggest such a thing. What cheek! What infernal insolence! What’s your name, boy? And stand up when you speak to me!”
The boy stood up. “My name is Eric Ink, Miss Trunchbull,” he said.
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I love this so much. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for being THAT person!!
This is so beautiful, and so relevant at so many levels. Thank you for speaking up for those who have almost no voice in this world designed by grown ups. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.