Grieving Life Before Parenthood

Featured Post #32

Featured Posts are hand-picked to showcase the excellent work our community members are doing. In keeping with SmallStack’s mission to lift up small publications, all Featured Post authors have fewer than 500 subscribers. Think of it like staff picks at your favorite indie bookstore.

Today’s Featured Post is by Matthew Sloane, author of Fatherhood Dojo, and was nominated by SmallStack community member Breeann Adam. Breeann writes:

As a parent (a parent who deeply loves my children!), I've often felt guilt or even shame when I long for my pre-child life. I love Matthew's post and the beautiful accompanying illustrations that normalize this feeling. This post is eloquent and articulate while still being utterly relatable and, perhaps most importantly, deeply compassionate. Also, I now wish I was an artist like Matthew! The illustrations really push the emotional impact of his message.

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A SmallStack Featured Post

Grieving Life Before Parenthood

What it's like right before letting go...

By Matthew Sloane

Note: All illustrations in this post were created by the author.

I used to have a Career Path, Self-Care, Freedom, Spontaneity, Sleep. Now I have young children.

I can’t make peace with what I’ve lost. So I drag it with me… every day.

I live with a split psyche: One half facing the day to day. The other half fantasizing about my old life and my old dreams.

Does grieving mean I have to let go of my dreams forever? What if those dreams are still possible? Grieving sounds like giving up on myself. I need something to hold onto.

What if I tell people I feel resentment about parenthood,... and they can’t hear it? What do I do with all this resentment?

I can’t let anyone know. I can’t say it out loud. Just shut up and keep going.

It’s not that I don’t love my kids. I just don’t know how to let go of my old life. I don’t know how to grieve. I’m afraid to let go.

Who am I without my dreams?

(breathe) I can’t be the only parent who has ever faced this. I just don’t know where I am.

I’m not in my old life, and I’m not really in my current life either. I’m somewhere in between.

How might I give myself some space to write down my fears, my losses, my resentment, my rage? Who might I talk to about this (without feeling I need to filter it)?

Then. After I’ve made that space to acknowledge what is there, underneath the surface— all that I drag around with me… Then let the guidance come.

I’m just not ready to hear it yet. That next step positive shit—that gratitude for what is. Yes, I know… eventually. But not while I’m learning to grieve.

How about you? What is one thing you aren’t fully ready to let go of from your life before parenting? And how might you be a bit more compassionate towards yourself for holding on?

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About the author

Matthew Sloane is a husband, father, integral coach and author of short, illustrated, heart-opening men's fiction for book clubs, men's groups, dad groups, and male studies courses. He writes to understand himself and his role as a man and father. He writes to help others see below the surface, what may be going on for them. He writes so that men and fathers can feel less alone in their experiences.

Fatherhood Dojo shares writing and conversations that help dads live in greater authenticity with their deepest selves.

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