You are not alone! Parenthood is a contradiction. What I grieve the most about my life before is my freedom to just go off to anywhere in the world with a backpack.
My husband and I are having the great debate about if we want to have kids and everything you illustrated and wrote is exactly everything we are afraid of losing and is having us deeply hesitant to take the leap. We love our life so much, it feels hard to see it not lovingly stolen by the entrance of a child/children - add in the fact we have to conceive via IVF so it’s a whole lot of do we want to go down this road or maintain what we have going on. This is so beautifully done. I can’t wait to show my husband!!
Thank you, Badiana. I hope this adds flavor to your conversation. And the comments here are rich with wisdom from people at various stages. All the best to you and your husband 🌻
I’m at the far end of this life cycle. At age 65 I’m retired and my kids grew up, moved out, and long ago established their own lives. The house is empty except for me and my wife of 42 years. The pets are long gone too. What I’ve learned is to enjoy every stage of life. You think wherever you are will last forever but it doesn’t. I’m now at a stage in life where I have far more yesterdays than tomorrows. I regret none of it and don’t wish to return to an earlier time either.
If there’s something you want to do now and have the means and time to do it then my advice is to go for it. We think there will always be another tomorrow to do something and the reality is that the world can change and you can change. I had a health crisis a few months ago and I’m still recovering. This closed a few doors for me and gave me a reality check on how many years I have ahead. I’m choosing to live now and enjoy now with whatever limitations I have as tomorrow I could have even more limitations.
Enjoy your young kids. I had lots of fun raising my daughters but it was different fun than what I had before they arrived. Embrace wherever you are and don’t look back.
Thank you for sharing your journey and your wisdom, Bruce. It's so lovely to hear from people at different stages of the journey and I especially appreciate that you have been through the long part of it.
This resonates with me, " wherever you are you think that will last". Appreciate your wisdom 🩵✨
Matthew, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your grief and struggles. I love the visual way you’ve found to express this grief and pain. You are not alone, my friend!
When my child was born, I left my exciting new career as a landscape architect to become a stay-at-home parent. I was lucky and privileged enough to be able to do this, since my wife at the time was able to support all 3 of us plus 2 cats and a dog! But I also left behind a really fun life of dining out a lot, traveling with my partner, playing music in a band and focusing on myself and my needs.
After my wife at the time had given birth to our child, I felt like a large part of me died. I didn’t recognize my life anymore. I didn’t really comprehend at the time that it was actually my old life before becoming a parent that had died that day. There was beauty in that death, because we now had a son, but I also felt intense fear, uncertainty and grief.
These days I use the word transformation, because I feel like that’s what death is, a transformation into another form of ourselves—into another relationship with ourselves and those around us. I’ve done much transforming since my son was born. I moved across the United States, got divorced, and became a single parent—something I never set out to be when I decided to have children. But the one constant thing in my life has been my son.
My son has taught me so much about the world, but especially about myself. Our children are mirrors, reflecting ourselves back to us. Because of this, I strive to become a better person every day. And one thing I’ve recently discovered in the past few years is that I have to make time and space for myself, not only for me but also for him. I am a role model, whether I like it or not. If I don’t take care of myself, if I don’t try to remember the things I loved to do pre-baby, and actually find the time to do some of those things, he sees me neglecting myself. And guess what, he learns this too.
SO, being a parent is fucking hard. Not only do you have to keep your child/children alive but you also have to keep yourself alive, and your relationships alive and figure out how to navigate all of this in a capitalist society. There isn’t a lot of physical time for self-exploration. But trust me when I say, it gets easier to find time the older your kids get. They become more independent which creates more space for you, the parent. But even when your kids are young, if you can find even just a little time to spend with your old self—it’s worth it. I wish I had done this sooner!
Beautiful sharing, Bryn. I relate to the transformation lens/mindset and how my children are mirrors, showing me what can be refined or healed in me. Cheers to the self care called "spending time with our pre-parenting selves"!
I grieve for what I could have been as a career woman when I stepped back to be a mother and wife. But I have never let it go completely because it is part of who I am. I thrive by choosing to be thankful for the things I have gained that I wouldn’t have, should I have chosen otherwise.
So so good! When I first admitted to grieving my old life in a postpartum group, I felt like I was the only one. Turns out, there were plenty of us. "I can't let anyone know. I can't say it out loud"
I'm in my early thirties and as more and more of my friends are having kids (even the ones who said they "would never"), I'm finding myself feeling less and less ready. I feel like I've barely even done anything yet (including write the book I've said I've always wanted to write) and I'm worried I might never do it if I have kids. I'm scared of being a bad parent, but I'm even more scared of the resentment I might feel. Needless to say, this resonates.
I've lived a lot of my life avoiding (assumed) pain. So I relate to your worries, Lauren. Stepping into parenthood consciously is a good idea. As a growth oriented person, I've found more peace (eventually) with feelings like grief and resentment. There are many conflicting ideas about what a young person should do and what parents should feel (and not). Hoping you find peace with whatever path feels like yours 🙏✨
Thank you, Matthew. I know I'm overthinking it, but it feels better to be prepared for all possibilities than to go in blind. Appreciate the kind and honest words 🙏
What a powerful set of sentiments and illustrations! I'm not a parent yet and I really want to be one but I already have anticipatory grief, if you will, over some aspects of what will need to be lost in order to gain the rewards of parenthood.
This is expressed in such a raw and honest way. It’s a wonderful way to let others know parents aren’t alone in their feelings. The internet didn’t exist when my kids were born, so I always kept these types of thoughts to myself.
My wife and I frequently glance at each other over the noise and fuss of the kids and whisper things like "Ben and Jerry's and popcorn," which was our favorite dinner before our kids were born.
@joeypajamas, Joe, I’m a single mother of an incredible son. We grew each other up, but he came into this world already carrying a kind, generous and loving spirit. He taught me children are not limited by who we are or the lives we lived before them. I think parenthood of all forms is scary, daunting, but (and) the most life affirming adventure we can choose. Like all life choices, it means letting go of certain possibilities. I wish you and your partner a wonderful new adventure, rich with love and unexpected discoveries!
You are not alone! Parenthood is a contradiction. What I grieve the most about my life before is my freedom to just go off to anywhere in the world with a backpack.
My husband and I are having the great debate about if we want to have kids and everything you illustrated and wrote is exactly everything we are afraid of losing and is having us deeply hesitant to take the leap. We love our life so much, it feels hard to see it not lovingly stolen by the entrance of a child/children - add in the fact we have to conceive via IVF so it’s a whole lot of do we want to go down this road or maintain what we have going on. This is so beautifully done. I can’t wait to show my husband!!
Thank you, Badiana. I hope this adds flavor to your conversation. And the comments here are rich with wisdom from people at various stages. All the best to you and your husband 🌻
Thank you 🙏🏾 - loved the use of flavor. Yes indeed it will!
I’m at the far end of this life cycle. At age 65 I’m retired and my kids grew up, moved out, and long ago established their own lives. The house is empty except for me and my wife of 42 years. The pets are long gone too. What I’ve learned is to enjoy every stage of life. You think wherever you are will last forever but it doesn’t. I’m now at a stage in life where I have far more yesterdays than tomorrows. I regret none of it and don’t wish to return to an earlier time either.
If there’s something you want to do now and have the means and time to do it then my advice is to go for it. We think there will always be another tomorrow to do something and the reality is that the world can change and you can change. I had a health crisis a few months ago and I’m still recovering. This closed a few doors for me and gave me a reality check on how many years I have ahead. I’m choosing to live now and enjoy now with whatever limitations I have as tomorrow I could have even more limitations.
Enjoy your young kids. I had lots of fun raising my daughters but it was different fun than what I had before they arrived. Embrace wherever you are and don’t look back.
Thank you for sharing your journey and your wisdom, Bruce. It's so lovely to hear from people at different stages of the journey and I especially appreciate that you have been through the long part of it.
This resonates with me, " wherever you are you think that will last". Appreciate your wisdom 🩵✨
Thanks for your kind words. I’m glad you found my life experience and hard lessons helpful.
Matthew, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your grief and struggles. I love the visual way you’ve found to express this grief and pain. You are not alone, my friend!
When my child was born, I left my exciting new career as a landscape architect to become a stay-at-home parent. I was lucky and privileged enough to be able to do this, since my wife at the time was able to support all 3 of us plus 2 cats and a dog! But I also left behind a really fun life of dining out a lot, traveling with my partner, playing music in a band and focusing on myself and my needs.
After my wife at the time had given birth to our child, I felt like a large part of me died. I didn’t recognize my life anymore. I didn’t really comprehend at the time that it was actually my old life before becoming a parent that had died that day. There was beauty in that death, because we now had a son, but I also felt intense fear, uncertainty and grief.
These days I use the word transformation, because I feel like that’s what death is, a transformation into another form of ourselves—into another relationship with ourselves and those around us. I’ve done much transforming since my son was born. I moved across the United States, got divorced, and became a single parent—something I never set out to be when I decided to have children. But the one constant thing in my life has been my son.
My son has taught me so much about the world, but especially about myself. Our children are mirrors, reflecting ourselves back to us. Because of this, I strive to become a better person every day. And one thing I’ve recently discovered in the past few years is that I have to make time and space for myself, not only for me but also for him. I am a role model, whether I like it or not. If I don’t take care of myself, if I don’t try to remember the things I loved to do pre-baby, and actually find the time to do some of those things, he sees me neglecting myself. And guess what, he learns this too.
SO, being a parent is fucking hard. Not only do you have to keep your child/children alive but you also have to keep yourself alive, and your relationships alive and figure out how to navigate all of this in a capitalist society. There isn’t a lot of physical time for self-exploration. But trust me when I say, it gets easier to find time the older your kids get. They become more independent which creates more space for you, the parent. But even when your kids are young, if you can find even just a little time to spend with your old self—it’s worth it. I wish I had done this sooner!
Beautiful sharing, Bryn. I relate to the transformation lens/mindset and how my children are mirrors, showing me what can be refined or healed in me. Cheers to the self care called "spending time with our pre-parenting selves"!
This was a beautiful expression of parental reality. Thank you for sharing to the community!
I grieve for what I could have been as a career woman when I stepped back to be a mother and wife. But I have never let it go completely because it is part of who I am. I thrive by choosing to be thankful for the things I have gained that I wouldn’t have, should I have chosen otherwise.
Love hearing about your gratitude practice, Robin.
So so good! When I first admitted to grieving my old life in a postpartum group, I felt like I was the only one. Turns out, there were plenty of us. "I can't let anyone know. I can't say it out loud"
So important to share these with things and see we are rarely alone in our suffering. Thank you for sharing that, Joscelyne!
I'm in my early thirties and as more and more of my friends are having kids (even the ones who said they "would never"), I'm finding myself feeling less and less ready. I feel like I've barely even done anything yet (including write the book I've said I've always wanted to write) and I'm worried I might never do it if I have kids. I'm scared of being a bad parent, but I'm even more scared of the resentment I might feel. Needless to say, this resonates.
I've lived a lot of my life avoiding (assumed) pain. So I relate to your worries, Lauren. Stepping into parenthood consciously is a good idea. As a growth oriented person, I've found more peace (eventually) with feelings like grief and resentment. There are many conflicting ideas about what a young person should do and what parents should feel (and not). Hoping you find peace with whatever path feels like yours 🙏✨
Thank you, Matthew. I know I'm overthinking it, but it feels better to be prepared for all possibilities than to go in blind. Appreciate the kind and honest words 🙏
As a fellow woman in her 30, RELATABLE!!!! I feel like my husband gets more and more excited about becoming parents, and I get more and more fearful…
Good one! Very powerful.
Thank you, Jeanine
What a powerful set of sentiments and illustrations! I'm not a parent yet and I really want to be one but I already have anticipatory grief, if you will, over some aspects of what will need to be lost in order to gain the rewards of parenthood.
"what will need to be lost in order to gain the rewards of parenthood" -- lovely Emily
This is expressed in such a raw and honest way. It’s a wonderful way to let others know parents aren’t alone in their feelings. The internet didn’t exist when my kids were born, so I always kept these types of thoughts to myself.
Thank you, Joy
My wife and I frequently glance at each other over the noise and fuss of the kids and whisper things like "Ben and Jerry's and popcorn," which was our favorite dinner before our kids were born.
Love that Robin. It helps to have a partner in crime who is willing to make light of the noise and fuss!
As someone whose wife is about to go for her 12 week scan I find this incredibly depressing.
@joeypajamas, Joe, I’m a single mother of an incredible son. We grew each other up, but he came into this world already carrying a kind, generous and loving spirit. He taught me children are not limited by who we are or the lives we lived before them. I think parenthood of all forms is scary, daunting, but (and) the most life affirming adventure we can choose. Like all life choices, it means letting go of certain possibilities. I wish you and your partner a wonderful new adventure, rich with love and unexpected discoveries!
Well said, Sharon. Thank you for sharing your journey 🙏
Thank you for sharing the hard parts with such honesty🙏♥️
Hi Joe, thank you for being willing to be stirred. Depression is a totally understandable response.