Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
My niece is in graduate school now studying monkeys and language and the research confirms my sense of a healthy media diet for a small planet. Thanks for writing the essay!
I’ve been reading Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism and his warnings about the impact of social media. Hard to believe it was published in 2018. It’s spot on and yet most of us were still newish to many types of social media back then.
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
This is fascinating! And not surprising, really. We recently moved to a new town from where we lived for 34 years, and it's not easy to make new friends. It's caused us to think back on how those friendships are formed - through other communities like school, work, etc. I probably interact regularly with a few dozen, at most, people here. There are so many wonderful Substacks I want to read every day but not enough time!
It is hard to make friends as you get older. Sometimes a move, even if it’s difficult, can make you reevaluate friendships, reconnect or just…let go. I’m forgiving my brain for not having enough capacity!
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
What a great, encouraging piece--thank you @Sanjidakay for writing it, and thank you, @smallstack for publishing it.
Years ago, I was helping the writer Adam Gopnik with a piece he was working on, and he told me about Dunbar's work, and how gossip served the same function for humans as grooming did for chimps. It came up in a discussion about being an expat, and whether you should feel guilty--like somehow you're not doing it right-- if all of your friends are also expats. Adam's position was no, because, per Dunbar, humans need to gossip to bond, but gossip depends on having common knowledge or affinities, and that can hard to establish without a shared culture. Reading this piece makes me think that substack can give us the shared basis, regardless of where we're from.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment Lisa. I think ‘gossip’ is often derided and treated as a ditzy female occupation. So it’s good that Adam was able to reassure you that it is all about bonding and also - it doesn’t matter what gender one is.
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
Love this post! Thank you so much for sharing. I share your interest in wildlife and writing (esp. crime novels), and can't wait to look up your books.
Thank you Jennifer. Small is beautiful. You must be able to connect so meaningfully with the people you do know. As someone who is on the introvert/extrovert border I felt ashamed by only having a few close friends. Now I feel proud.
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
Thank you for saying that! I’ve always felt self-conscious about it, as if people are keeping track lol! Turns out I’m the only one who needs to accept myself the way I am.
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
I felt the same! 150!? Mindboggling! But perhaps I could do it if the village where I lived were actually only 150 people (mostly calm humans, just hanging out, nagging on some bark, chillin' on the porch of their hut made of branches). Not sure.
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
An excellent post! As a super introvert, I love my close connections, but as my Substack grows, I feel the pressure to make sure every single subscriber feels valued. It's healthy to remind myself that I'm only human, and my brain isn't wired to handle so many connections, and give myself grace when I "fall short."
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
Very interesting. I suspect humans are more needy in good and bad ways than our primate ancestors. We also grow out of friendships. While we have made ourselves and lifestyle to be more more complex...we must still have the basics. My foot rubs are very important to me. I have a sweet husband to thank for this. I bake him cookies in exchange. Lol
Jul 25·edited Jul 25Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
Thanks, Sanjida (BTW I've just done a little stalking! I have a ton more questions on your rewilding project and your books. Don't worry, I've subscribed, so I'll do a little read-about, especially on your AirBnB!! ;-))
I'm thinking of my geographically spread friends (umm, 18 relocations across 10 countries), but 5 I call very close! ;-) Were there any findings or observations about friendships that are both in-person and virtual?
My hypothesis (n=1, me who can't easily meet up IRL) is that when we can't meet in person to cry on each other's shoulder, we invest more in the IRL interactions to sustain the virtual friendship. So, extra grooming, less often correlates with sustaining the 5?
Does that even translate into the primate world/ a zoology model, elephants? Does a monkey leave a troop and return to 'visit'?
The Airbnb is a lovely writing retreat and the perfect way to get into the wilderness, whilst being near a local pub (if I do say so myself!).
Those are great questions, Victoria and I don't know the answer. I agree with you - with my far flung friends I tend to use virtual interactions simply to stay in touch and arrange to meet up, and put more effort into the less frequent IRL interactions. For instance, right now I'm walking with a friend for a couple of days. We meet up twice a year for a few days so it's quite intense, but our digital interactions are sporadic and less deep because we know we're going to invest in this time together. I guess it would be the other way round for friends we can see less often and then might invest more in the digital interaction.
In general, one sex might leave a troop. For instance, female chimps often leave to join a new troop. I think male elephants would be the ones to leave since their societies are matrilineal. As far as I know, those who leave don't often come back. In the case of chimps and other monkeys and some mammals, there's a high risk of infanticide, so females might not risk returning if they were pregnant or had infants.
Jul 28Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
Thanks, Sanjida! Yes, my experience has been similar to yours, but now the intervals between in-person interactions are becoming longer and the whatsapp video calls are becoming long-convo-substitutes...A longitudinal study of humans, matrilineal, and patrilineal species would be fascinating! Or exploring diaspora compared with those who haven't moved far.
I've bookmarked your Airbnb ;-) Thanks for your reply—enjoy your friend-time and the walk!
Jul 24Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Wild Writing with Sanjida
If you haven’t listened to the country song, “I want to check you for ticks,” it makes even more sense in the context of this article. Far from being a superficial song, it’s promoting deep social bonding.
Spot on!
Thank you Jill!
My niece is in graduate school now studying monkeys and language and the research confirms my sense of a healthy media diet for a small planet. Thanks for writing the essay!
I’ve been reading Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism and his warnings about the impact of social media. Hard to believe it was published in 2018. It’s spot on and yet most of us were still newish to many types of social media back then.
a truly amazing read, thank you very much !
Thank you 🌸
So writing this has prompted me to rethink my own friendship circle. How many friends do YOU have? The ones you can truly count on?
0
Fascinating! 🤩
Brilliant read! Made me think about my friendship groups, acquaintances and those numbers.
This is fascinating! And not surprising, really. We recently moved to a new town from where we lived for 34 years, and it's not easy to make new friends. It's caused us to think back on how those friendships are formed - through other communities like school, work, etc. I probably interact regularly with a few dozen, at most, people here. There are so many wonderful Substacks I want to read every day but not enough time!
It is hard to make friends as you get older. Sometimes a move, even if it’s difficult, can make you reevaluate friendships, reconnect or just…let go. I’m forgiving my brain for not having enough capacity!
What a great, encouraging piece--thank you @Sanjidakay for writing it, and thank you, @smallstack for publishing it.
Years ago, I was helping the writer Adam Gopnik with a piece he was working on, and he told me about Dunbar's work, and how gossip served the same function for humans as grooming did for chimps. It came up in a discussion about being an expat, and whether you should feel guilty--like somehow you're not doing it right-- if all of your friends are also expats. Adam's position was no, because, per Dunbar, humans need to gossip to bond, but gossip depends on having common knowledge or affinities, and that can hard to establish without a shared culture. Reading this piece makes me think that substack can give us the shared basis, regardless of where we're from.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment Lisa. I think ‘gossip’ is often derided and treated as a ditzy female occupation. So it’s good that Adam was able to reassure you that it is all about bonding and also - it doesn’t matter what gender one is.
Excellent information. Thank you for sharing this with us Sanjida!
Thank you Lenaleah!
Love this post! Thank you so much for sharing. I share your interest in wildlife and writing (esp. crime novels), and can't wait to look up your books.
Very interesting! As an introvert, those numbers sound incredibly high to me and my small group of connections but interesting nontheless!
Thank you Jennifer. Small is beautiful. You must be able to connect so meaningfully with the people you do know. As someone who is on the introvert/extrovert border I felt ashamed by only having a few close friends. Now I feel proud.
Thank you for saying that! I’ve always felt self-conscious about it, as if people are keeping track lol! Turns out I’m the only one who needs to accept myself the way I am.
That’s so true Jennifer. For me self acceptance is getting marginally easier now I’m older!
I felt the same! 150!? Mindboggling! But perhaps I could do it if the village where I lived were actually only 150 people (mostly calm humans, just hanging out, nagging on some bark, chillin' on the porch of their hut made of branches). Not sure.
Calm humans?? Where?!
I can be calm! 🙌 When I'm not chronically triggered in distress anxious and overwhelmed
Oh wow! That’s amazing Barbara. I was thinking I was totally weird for my combo of nature and fiction, especially crime fiction 😂
An excellent post! As a super introvert, I love my close connections, but as my Substack grows, I feel the pressure to make sure every single subscriber feels valued. It's healthy to remind myself that I'm only human, and my brain isn't wired to handle so many connections, and give myself grace when I "fall short."
Very interesting. I suspect humans are more needy in good and bad ways than our primate ancestors. We also grow out of friendships. While we have made ourselves and lifestyle to be more more complex...we must still have the basics. My foot rubs are very important to me. I have a sweet husband to thank for this. I bake him cookies in exchange. Lol
That sounds a lovely exchange!
Gotta be clever but fair
A whole new comforting angle on numbers. Thanks, Sanjida
This is fascinating;... Curiosity piqued, and I have many questions!
Go SmallStack Community
Thanks Victoria! Happy to answer questions if I can!
Thanks, Sanjida (BTW I've just done a little stalking! I have a ton more questions on your rewilding project and your books. Don't worry, I've subscribed, so I'll do a little read-about, especially on your AirBnB!! ;-))
I'm thinking of my geographically spread friends (umm, 18 relocations across 10 countries), but 5 I call very close! ;-) Were there any findings or observations about friendships that are both in-person and virtual?
My hypothesis (n=1, me who can't easily meet up IRL) is that when we can't meet in person to cry on each other's shoulder, we invest more in the IRL interactions to sustain the virtual friendship. So, extra grooming, less often correlates with sustaining the 5?
Does that even translate into the primate world/ a zoology model, elephants? Does a monkey leave a troop and return to 'visit'?
The Airbnb is a lovely writing retreat and the perfect way to get into the wilderness, whilst being near a local pub (if I do say so myself!).
Those are great questions, Victoria and I don't know the answer. I agree with you - with my far flung friends I tend to use virtual interactions simply to stay in touch and arrange to meet up, and put more effort into the less frequent IRL interactions. For instance, right now I'm walking with a friend for a couple of days. We meet up twice a year for a few days so it's quite intense, but our digital interactions are sporadic and less deep because we know we're going to invest in this time together. I guess it would be the other way round for friends we can see less often and then might invest more in the digital interaction.
In general, one sex might leave a troop. For instance, female chimps often leave to join a new troop. I think male elephants would be the ones to leave since their societies are matrilineal. As far as I know, those who leave don't often come back. In the case of chimps and other monkeys and some mammals, there's a high risk of infanticide, so females might not risk returning if they were pregnant or had infants.
Thanks, Sanjida! Yes, my experience has been similar to yours, but now the intervals between in-person interactions are becoming longer and the whatsapp video calls are becoming long-convo-substitutes...A longitudinal study of humans, matrilineal, and patrilineal species would be fascinating! Or exploring diaspora compared with those who haven't moved far.
I've bookmarked your Airbnb ;-) Thanks for your reply—enjoy your friend-time and the walk!
If you haven’t listened to the country song, “I want to check you for ticks,” it makes even more sense in the context of this article. Far from being a superficial song, it’s promoting deep social bonding.
So glad I was only drinking water when you got me to snort-laugh there.
No way? Seriously?! We have a terrible tick problem in Somerset - I'll have to find that and start singing it. That'll make the ticks leave!
Good food for thought. Thanks!
Thank you Victoria!