Failure is such a loaded word. Many of us fear it, and we have all had to face it in our lives. We shared a post about failure with you yesterday, and in this space we hope to discuss those feelings around failure openly and with community support.
Many of us have stories about the failures that ultimately lead us to something better, to something worth celebrating. Sometimes our failures resulted in an ending to one story and the beginning of a new one. Failure can crush us, and it can redefine who we are. This is your formal invitation to dig deep and think about what failure means to you. We would love to hear your stories.
What do failure and success mean to you?
How do you measure success?
What do you do when you fail?
Do you have a story about how failure opened doors to new things?
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Sep 14Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
I almost missed this! Getting in right under the wire.
It’s kinda serendipitous that you asked this question this week - as I’ve been struggling with feelings of failure as I try and finish my post for the SeedPod about libraries.
I didn’t expect to feel this way - but the story is about my childhood and the slow realization that I was chronically ill. That I was different from my peers. It’s brought up a LOT of feelings - and those feelings take precious energy from me and slow me down.
Suddenly I found myself wrestling with feelings of failure - of thinking “I should have this done by now” or “this shouldn’t be so hard.” For me failure and self doubt go hand in hand.
I needed to take a step back and remind myself that I’m writing about tough subject matter - and I’m doing it while I’m acutely unwell. There has to be room to give myself grace. To let myself feel my feelings, take my time and yes - stop writing if that’s what my body needs.
To me THAT is what success is. Success is listening to our bodies. Success is taking the negative self talk and shutting it down. Honouring wherever we are at in our health AND writing journey and being kind to ourselves.
It’s easy to define success as an article that does well - or a certain number of subscribers to your publication.
Those things are great - but I find I do much better when I remember that taking care of myself is also a measure of success and that building community (which is what I’m trying to do) can happen at ANY pace and it’ll always be a win.
Sep 14Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
I just published an article about how online communities can be a lifeline to those with chronic illness and disabilities - and about how we need a welcome guide to this new and foreign world. I’m linking it here because I think it speaks to the idea of success versus failure.
We often feel like failures when our health doesn’t cooperate. When we are too sick to do things or can’t function the way others can. My goal with my publication and the welcome guide is to create a place where people can learn to feel successful with their chronic illness. Where they can learn how to adapt to their new circumstances and improve their quality of life: https://www.disabledginger.com/p/theres-no-welcome-guide-to-the-world
Sep 12Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Late to the discussion but, failure to me is the chance to sit back and rethink the strategy, success is that feeling as the strategy works. You never really get to the end of success or the “rock bottom” of failure that people talk about they are both an ongoing and rocking pendulum.
I personally as of right now measure my success by how smooth my travels go and how i can travel in and out of countries with the least amount of problems (i travel with my dog).
When I end up failing I quickly sit down and come up with a new plan, or i try to come up with the new plan as i am in the process of failing. Like a gymnast as i fall i am thinking of the infinite ways to bounce back up so the judges do not realize.
The last time i failed is when i had to put my travels on hold for a month and run back home with my tail between my legs for what started out as a meer banking issue that ended up being so much more than that
Sep 12Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Here are all of the cliches:
- Failure is the best teacher
- Success is best when it is not complete
- Failure is staying down
- Complacency is the killer of creativity
- Swinging for the fences is the best way to strike out, but also hit a home run.
Making mistakes is fine as long as you learn from them. And where I've truly let it affect me is when I let myself set expectations not tied to my mission. When I'm focused on something shiny, that's when failure hits me hardest. But, if it's part of my mission, I find learning and move forward.
Sep 12·edited Sep 12Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney
I make plenty of mistakes... But I also learn from them. Sure fire way to know I'm making progress because if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Work/Home/Writing all riddled with mistakes. Guess I'm doing something right then, right?
I admire your forthrightness in stating you choose the hard road, Diana, yet I wonder: where in those pursuits do you grant yourself time to rest in joy? As a recovering perfectionist, I seek to balance the frenetic go-go-go with the reflective self-congratulations on a good enough job. Be well and know I appreciate you 🙏
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
In one of my earliest posts here on Substack, I wrote about how much I hate making mistakes, and how badly I handle failures — and how more recently, I’m trying to teach myself, and my autistic son, how to "plant seeds of self-kindness instead of self-criticism.” It’s a piece I can go back to for good reminders for myself….
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Hello,
The following is how I found myself in a hole and took a turbo charged tunnel boring machine to ensure that I got deeper faster. The opportunity I botched is still open.
Last week I saw the following on a Guest Post on Chuck Wending's blog Terrible Minds. (I strongly recommend the blog(".. if you’re an established author who might be interested in writing a novella for the Amazing Tales of Antifascist Action! series (or anything else), please holler. info@hornedlarkpress.com.
I think there may be preference for science fiction, this could be not true. Please read the below AWFUL WARNING about how not to do so.
I had an story idea about someone giving fascists a kicking. The context for the story is the setting for my novels, The Inhabited Systems.
I sent my submission and received a nice polite reply.
Hi Conor,
Many thanks for your interest in Horned Lark Press. We are not looking for novellas that are part of an established series, but wish you every success with the Inhabited Systems collection.
Best,
L. Everett
Submissions Editor
I have nonstandard mental wiring which I am going to, conveniently, blame for my complete inability to read and understand this reply. I am not going to post my reply due to deep embarrassment I have even think about it. I will say that I managed to double, triple and quadruple down on the connection to the Inhabited Systems universe. I did add a quivering offer to change the location for my story if it was really a requirement.
Then I sent it.
The following day I slowly realised that I had managed to be exactly the sort of person so enamored of an idea that I bend reality to distort it. The sort of person literary agents "comically" complain about in submission guidelines. I was (am) mortified. To make it all worse I received a second polite decline which did not suggest that if I contacted them again they would set the dogs on me.
I would like others to take advantage of my failing. If you are an established writer with a suitable idea you should send a submission. The submissions editor is a polite, graceful person.
Conor, your honesty here is so liberating. What you describe here sounds so incredibly… human.
We get caught up in our own thoughts, do or say something that later seems silly, act outside of our every day character… and then we want to bash ourselves for it.
But your openness about your self-perceived misstep seems to say so many deeply good things about your character. I hope you’ll find it within yourself to laugh this one off, blame the phase of the moon, and enjoy that fact that you will have many more opportunities to submit your writing.
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Fail big or go home!
There is a rumour Americans are more relaxed about failure - read this somewhere - so going bankrupt etc is not such as a shaming experience. That it represented a at least you tried.
I would much rather say I showed up and did my best - not matter how misguided at the time. It is the failure not to learn from mistakes is the brain-crunch!
Who decides what a failure is any way?
Personal "failures" - it is tough to let yourself of the hook - especially if it involves other people in your life. Forgiveness and self compassion.
My Square Peg Woman series is focusing on Dame Julian of Norwich - it has a lot of these themes too - facing inner demons etc - the third post is out this Wednesday 11th -
Have a look - it might give you a lift and food for thought
Take care and my best wishes to those you have expressed the big emotions here - courage in sharing
Dr Williams, as an American, it is interesting to hear about that rumor. :)
I wonder if one part of this is that Americans, as compared to some other parts of the world, have more opportunities for funding that aren’t tied to ourselves. For example, we can set up a Limited Liability Corporation (LLC) for a company, and if that company fails then the financial loss is tied only to the LLC, not the owners personal finances.
Your comments have me pondering, like you are, how these types of opportunities (or lack thereof) shape our perceptions of failure… What an interesting global perspective to consider!
I also love your mention of forgiveness and self-compassion. I love to imagine that once I can accept that I have “failed” at something, there comes a freedom and a gift on the other side of the door - those gifts of forgiveness and self compassion. 💗
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Oh my gosh, in Belgium, if you had one business not work out, you are basically done for life. Pretty much literally if you were declared bankrupt, you aren't allowed to run a business for X years and in the eyes of people as well. Starting a business and not succeeding is just not a thing. It's also because there are so many small businesses that do well and people do support them with personal referrals 'my cousin does X so if anyone asks, I will tell them to hire my cousin' type thing so that helps.
I like how it sounds like the high stakes of entrepreneurship do encourage people to be more conscious about supporting small business in Belgium, that seems like a positive as compared to the “Walmart” mindset in so much of the US.
But that sounds terrifying, and not supportive of taking risks! Bravo to anyone who still dares to try, wow! 😮
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
How interesting to see this today. I’ve been in a challenging marriage for over 30 years. Now, it is quietly ending. Some would say ‘failing’. I don’t think I do. I think I failed myself in many ways, while trying to make the marriage ‘not fail’. Getting married at 20, becoming parents a year and a half later, his undiagnosed mental illness and disability, my undiagnosed neurodivergence (we got diagnosed in our late 40’s), some toxic relationship programming to deconstruct…it was never easy. But we grew up together.
We will never not love each other in some way–but it isn’t good for either of us now. And we both see it.
I think the only ‘fail’ is failing to learn and grow.
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
yes - change is a life long experience - the word fail is what? it did not work out the way we expected. Your statement that the only "fail" is to not grow and learn is genius
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
I had a huge satire failure in my past writing life - thought about never writing again because of it - but it was such a good (although at the time devastating) lesson to learn about writing with care.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Just today I found out I didn't make the cut for a writing contest. I didn't expect to win, but I secretly hoped to make the long list. How will I reframe this? Edit the piece, try to improve it, and try and try again to find a home for it.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
I've always tried to view mistakes and setbacks as learning experiences and to reframe them in a positive light. Yet, when I began doing improv, my perspective shifted completely. At first, it was the principle of "Yes, and" instead of "Yes, but" that rewired some connections in my brain. However, it was the second rule, "fail cheerfully," (or "fail forward") that truly transformed my approach to mistakes and setbacks. It encourages boldness, embracing failure as a stepping stone for growth, in ways I had never practiced before.
When asked why I do improv, I often say, "It's therapy for me." Improv offers so much learning in an environment where failure is genuinely fun.
I love how improv helps us explore what failure really means, turning it into something we can celebrate and learn from.
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
I never imagined that improv could be such a source of fun, laughter, and energy. Give it a try—I’m certain you’ll enjoy it. It’s a space where you can play around with those seemingly risky, silly ideas and discover that they aren’t so intimidating after all.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
I just failed Sunday night. There I was leaving a photography exhibition in NYC with a camera on my person and all hopped up on visual art talk when I realize I'm heading toward an impromptu hip hop concert / show happening in the bed of a Cybertruck on a side street. All kinds of amazing looking people all over the street and sidewalks.
But I'm tired and just want to get home after 3 straight days of traveling in from the burbs for the weekend long exhibition. Plus, I despise the Cybertruck.
I talk myself out of pulling out my camera and setting up on a corner to start creating art.
People / concert imagery is not typically my thing but I passed on a huge opportunity to create some unique art.
It's still eating at me that I passed on this moment.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
Sharing is Caring, when we share something as vulnerable as perceiving a happening as a failure, it brings us to all that is beneath the imposition of failing — a treasure chest of hard feelings unbury the deeper truth of not failing. We heal.
Consciously and unconsciously when my twins were born at one pound each I felt horrendous failure for years. Writing and living through layers of self-blame robbed me/us of living a full dignified life.
Survival mode took over until one person @Charles Esenstein read my book and said "I'm sorry that happened to you."
This unleashed powerful emotions and memories — I did not fail, the hospital was negligent and held me captive without an exit. I had a sonogram of proof of perfect babies just before unnecessary intervention. Nothing was wrong but 'power over women's bodies.'
I rewrote my book from a more resourced, empowered, healed, (not victim), true space of what I had always known in my body This restored Joy, Acceptance, Connection. But Grief over missed experience for my girls continues, alongside navigating disabilities.
My recent essay "Space for Joy" shows how an Ancestral Drum ceremony weaves our stories forward and backward as blessing... not failure. It is here and references my book "Edge of Grace, Fierce Awakenings to Love"
A recent reader just sent me this email, "Half way through, wow. Nearly cried a few times. Don't know what to say! I have found it hard to stop reading, very captivating.
Reading how you nursed the twins is so beautiful! On my cranialsacral course, we have just done a module on birthing and I will recommend your book to my colleagues as we talked about birth traumas and unnecessary medical interventions. My awareness on this subject is growing! Your real life account is so scary! More people and women should be aware of it.
Hope you are well!!! Great book!" ~ Lauren McCoy
Thank you for reading. I hope you will benefit from our journey.
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Thank you for sharing. I have a major birth trauma story too, with hospital negligence. I did not write it in memoir, but I ‘re-storied’ it in my novel, keeping the impact, but changing the narrative, giving my character the support I should have had.
I was floored when someone else read the birth experience aloud. I felt so invisible at the hospital, so isolated afterward (this was 1995, pre-internet). So very ill for so very long. These kind of stories need to be heard.
It was interesting that as I wrote, I was also getting pelvic floor physiotherapy for the first time. My body took an enormous amount of damage in delivery, (forceps damaged my cervix and pelvic floor, internal stitching gone wrong needed re-doing later, plus my uterus didn’t clamp down and I was bleeding out, the story goes on…). I had massively dissociated from it, so 26 years later I was getting in touch emotionally through writing, and reconnecting with my body at the same time. Not easy, but yes, it was healing. I’m seeking an agent for my novel now. It’s a delightful fantasy exploring identity and innocence, power and love, called The Elementist.
Sep 10·edited Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
Failure is too absolute and definitive a word in most contexts. I try to avoid it 😉
I can't remember who said it but this is the perspective I try to adopt: you didn't fail, you just found one way that didn't work.
'Failure' is information to help us get where we need to go.
I tried to make a sponge cake a few months ago. Tricky as the temperature always dips in my range oven when I open to check. And I haven't mastered how much air to whip into the mixture. It deflated and became a tart (that went down very well with friends, regardless).
What's the message here? 🤷🏽♂️ That good things come from 'unsuccessful' attempts.
Sep 12Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Well … I think it was a clementine and cardamom sponge cake. Or was it rosemary 🤔 Either work well. If you add more substance to the batter, like ground almond, and manage to either underheat or underwhisk the mixture … you may well end up with what I got.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
I find that on Substack in particular, access to all the metrics and being able to see other people's successes in the feed tempts me to move my own goalposts. The comparison game always leads to failure, because even though we share a hosting platform we're all on a separate trajectory and working on different projects. I consciously know this, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure every time a post I'm super proud of doesn't immediately perform as well as I expect it to.
Something I took up very recently that has helped me, though, is to write down achievable goals for myself to physically check off when I meet them, and to do anything I can to "keep my eyes on my own paper." Not always an easy task, and I've had to limit my time on the feed and use the mute button more often than I'd like to, just because it's so easy to get in my head about why the people I came up with are hitting milestones much more quickly than I am.
Substack is for writers, and I love that, but especially with its developments of the last year or so it is not removed from the pitfalls of the social media comparison game. Eyes on your own paper, folks!
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
I'm there with ya!
A potentially helpful framing (at least it's been helpful for me today): I just listened to this podcast episode that had put side-by-side, almost as if they were synonymous, egoism and capitalism. And it's got me thinking that perfectionism is a form of egoism (you can be perfect) and is egoism is a form of capitalism (it is in my self-interest to be perfect to profit/succeed/etc), then capitalism and egoism and perfectionism is the antithesis of service. And in an effort to stay true and authentic to both myself and others, I want to move more towards service. Which naturally means I have to move away from those other things.
I feel like it's kinda lofty and tedious, but also feels kinda important to understanding why I write, because it is so often to 1. be understood 2. offer that understanding to others.
Not comparing or holding ourselves to the whims of algorithms; instead, recognizing “a post I'm super proud of”—the joy of sharing our creativity, of discovering the Creative Person inside of us—can be a wonder if we so choose.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney
I'm trying (though still often "failing"!) to think of failure, and the sense of it, as just another emotion/sensation that we have to experience as part of being human. It's easy to dwell on it, harder sometimes to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, but it's normal/natural so really we have no choice to somehow embrace it...
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney
This has changed over the years, but failure for me, right now, is if I allow myself to give up. I don't have to be the best. I don't have to be even technically "successful" at the things I'm trying. But if I give up on things that feel good and excite me, then I'm not allowing myself the freedom to flourish. And if that happens, I've failed myself and my potential.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
I was gonna play along—add my own perspective on failure. But the sentiment is being shared multiple times here. Let’s create a “No Such Thing As Failure” club. Like @lisabolin says, if we taught every child how to place “failure” in the proper context of a life of learning, curiosity, and wonder (aka a life well-lived), then future generations would see disappointment and growth in whole new and beneficial ways.
We embrace rejection together, knowing the more we submit, the more we’re trying to reach our creative goals, the more we’re learning from constructive feedback, and the more we support each other with silly races to the top (bottom?) of the monthly rejection pile. 🤪
I’ve been digging in my past a lot lately, as I work on memoir. I was discussing some of the events with my mother to glean her perspectives of long ago events.
As I reflected on a significant “about face” turn I made in my early years I asked my mother, “seriously, I was heading down such an exceedingly bad road, for so long, and then I just stopped on a dime and went the other direction. I lived it, and I’m writing about it, but I still don’t honestly understand how I did it?”
She said, “It was as if what happened to you when you were younger made it impossible for you to care for yourself, but when you suddenly had to care for someone else, you were able to do anything.”
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to “love ourselves”, “value ourselves”, etc. But sometimes you just don’t know how, or you can’t. Sometimes the only is to change motivation. Change focus. Help someone else. And in the journey, sometimes we find our own successes.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Dear Rose, I can't wait fro your memoir. "And in the journey, sometimes we find our own successes." and the powerful self love and self care in the doing. Thank you!
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Hello Hanna, I read your note. Yes to the view and all of the learning along the way. The top is overrated - the journey is the bomb. Thank you! well done.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
It’s so easy to forget that it’s all about the journey - especially when it feels bumpy on rough terrain. Thank you for your comment; just because I’ve experienced it once (or many times) doesn’t mean I don’t get distracted by the shiny top.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney
Ah, failure, the other F word. The other day, I was driving with a friend to an art exhibit where I submitted what I thought was the wrong piece of art. As it intermediate artist, I’m still trying to “find my voice.” Anyway, I did not win an award, where over half of the participants did and for a minute I felt like a failure. Until I reminded myself that my situation was successful—that I actually submitted the art, to be vulnerable, to be open. Often times, we forget that we can change the narrative in our thinking brain when we (mistakenly) consider our life situations as failures, by reminding ourselves we don’t have to follow that thought. We can rewrite our own narrative.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Yes the Fuckernuckles of it all. I am happy you changed your narrative. Yes we have many paths to follow why take the bummer path. Thank you! PS I say this as I know that track very well. I'm going to say used to - it can become a unconscious habit until it is not.
As we say at the 100 Rejections Club, even if we get a rejection, it shows we’re trying to get our creative work out there! And what a lovely resolution for you, Maureen, to see your art on display. Congrats!
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
This is such a great topic and one that drudges up the good, bad and the ugly from all of us.
I think I have made a friend of my failures, I no longer treat it as an enemy that needs to be overcome.
I take it along with me on my journey to do better. I am a homeschooling mom and I teach my kids all the time that failure isn't ultimate. You certainly can make a friend out of it and use it to guide your efforts. If you see there's room to grow, keep putting in effort but if you have given it your all then simply change course.
I believe there are always more than one ways to reach somewhere. Sometimes you just have to carve your own path in order to do it.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Thank you Rose for your kind words. I do believe that my kids are so so fortunate to have a choice and autonomy with their learning and yes, I try to impart the little I have learned from living thus far.❤️
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
There are lyrics to a song that say “Thanksgiving for every wrong move.” I embraced these words when I was fired from my job. It changed everything. And as a result I found my passion.
Failure, a word I do not use by the way, often leads to looking at life from outside the box. And opens other opportunities.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
As a teacher, I’ve talked to students often about failure. Then it comes to exams and university places and the stress and fear involved. I gently remind them that there are more ways of doing the same thing. So many options than the binary or success/failure or pass/failure. I remind them that their interpretations of failure can be a win for someone, it depends on the start point (I particularly remember one student who only just passed his final year English exam and was so happy because he was sure he’d ‘fail’).
In my own life, I could look at my divorce as a failure, or that time I lost my job as failure, or leaving the job that didn’t suit me as failure, but instead, they’re all been opportunities for growth, for reflection, for change.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Erin Michaela Sweeney, Rose G.
My favorite quote is by Samuel Beckett: “Ever try? Ever fail? Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” I first heard it in my MFA program and it’s allowed me to take risks in my writing.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
This is such a good topic. I see failure and success as different points on the same line. Also, I don’t think of it as binary where something has to be a success OR failure. Sometimes parts of a project work and some parts don’t. This doesn’t make it a resounding fail. But nonetheless the word itself is so loaded and can be damaging when used as a put-down trying to keep someone in their place.
I’d like to say that I can hear the word failure (associated with something I’ve done), and take it with grace, when in actual fact it’s a gut-punch feeling. I’ve found that a nuanced approach softens the blow (a little!): was it a total failure or was there a tiny part that was actually okay?
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
I feel your gardening pain! My brassicas have been a text book fail because they have been decimated by a caterpillar infestation. Dwindling from 12 plants to 5 to…3. Next year there will be netting! Definitely lessons learned. Nature is pretty forgiving and gardens seem to be able to take quite a lot of ‘experiments and experiences’ so I hope your onions have a better year next year!
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Here to be around people also frustrated with their plants/gardens!! The amount of strife I've felt over the past four or so months trying to get rid of these damn fungus gnats in my houseplants is wild.
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
I can grow plants outdoors but not indoors! Never managed to hold onto a single one, so I feel your frustration! I've heard nematodes are good for fungus gnats. Hope you find something that helps.
Sep 11Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Thanks so much! That’s next on my list to buy as a solution. I’ve gone through like 7 different tests and trials. My plants - usually such a pleasure - are wearing me down!!
Every year is a new success and a new failure, and each time I feel a mixture of joy and frustration. But it's the one place where I feel most at home, and no home is ever perfect. I'll say a little garden prayer for your brassicas.
Oh yes, that gut punch is painful. I've felt that, too. But I do agree that failure and success are not binary, that there are smaller aspects of each in many events our lives face.
I fail all the time in my garden. This year it was the white storage onions. First I planted them in a bed whose soil has been underperforming, then I neglected to fertilize them adequately, and then (you're not gonna believe this) I left them in a shallow tub to cure while I went on vacation, it rained like 6 inches in 2 days, and I came home to those onions swimming in rancid water. Yuck! But I've learned several really valuable things in these events. Painful but valuable.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him), Rose G.
Probably my biggest failure was that I did disastrously in my A'levels many moons ago, but it opened a door to a different university life in a place I didn't know, far from home. I had a wonderful time and still maintain friendships made there for over 35 years. My views on success have changed dramatically over the years - the older I get, the more I value the little daily successes, rather than fret about the big things I used to focus on that were all linked to ambition and where I thought I should be at that time of my life. I now see failure as part of my ongoing learning process.
Sep 10Liked by Robin Cangie (she/her), Robin Taylor (he/him)
Aw Sweetheart, I don't know you but I look forward to reading about your accusations to yourself. Writing is so healing. This discussion has already shed light on my own as not really true, such a wide range, not an either/or.
I almost missed this! Getting in right under the wire.
It’s kinda serendipitous that you asked this question this week - as I’ve been struggling with feelings of failure as I try and finish my post for the SeedPod about libraries.
I didn’t expect to feel this way - but the story is about my childhood and the slow realization that I was chronically ill. That I was different from my peers. It’s brought up a LOT of feelings - and those feelings take precious energy from me and slow me down.
Suddenly I found myself wrestling with feelings of failure - of thinking “I should have this done by now” or “this shouldn’t be so hard.” For me failure and self doubt go hand in hand.
I needed to take a step back and remind myself that I’m writing about tough subject matter - and I’m doing it while I’m acutely unwell. There has to be room to give myself grace. To let myself feel my feelings, take my time and yes - stop writing if that’s what my body needs.
To me THAT is what success is. Success is listening to our bodies. Success is taking the negative self talk and shutting it down. Honouring wherever we are at in our health AND writing journey and being kind to ourselves.
It’s easy to define success as an article that does well - or a certain number of subscribers to your publication.
Those things are great - but I find I do much better when I remember that taking care of myself is also a measure of success and that building community (which is what I’m trying to do) can happen at ANY pace and it’ll always be a win.
I just published an article about how online communities can be a lifeline to those with chronic illness and disabilities - and about how we need a welcome guide to this new and foreign world. I’m linking it here because I think it speaks to the idea of success versus failure.
We often feel like failures when our health doesn’t cooperate. When we are too sick to do things or can’t function the way others can. My goal with my publication and the welcome guide is to create a place where people can learn to feel successful with their chronic illness. Where they can learn how to adapt to their new circumstances and improve their quality of life: https://www.disabledginger.com/p/theres-no-welcome-guide-to-the-world
Failure is part of life, can't have the ups without the downs. I wrote about fear of failure getting in the way of things a while back; and not just fear of failure, but also fear of "what if I succeed" - https://thisissophietoday.substack.com/p/your-dreams-are-on-the-other-side
Late to the discussion but, failure to me is the chance to sit back and rethink the strategy, success is that feeling as the strategy works. You never really get to the end of success or the “rock bottom” of failure that people talk about they are both an ongoing and rocking pendulum.
I personally as of right now measure my success by how smooth my travels go and how i can travel in and out of countries with the least amount of problems (i travel with my dog).
When I end up failing I quickly sit down and come up with a new plan, or i try to come up with the new plan as i am in the process of failing. Like a gymnast as i fall i am thinking of the infinite ways to bounce back up so the judges do not realize.
The last time i failed is when i had to put my travels on hold for a month and run back home with my tail between my legs for what started out as a meer banking issue that ended up being so much more than that
Here are all of the cliches:
- Failure is the best teacher
- Success is best when it is not complete
- Failure is staying down
- Complacency is the killer of creativity
- Swinging for the fences is the best way to strike out, but also hit a home run.
Making mistakes is fine as long as you learn from them. And where I've truly let it affect me is when I let myself set expectations not tied to my mission. When I'm focused on something shiny, that's when failure hits me hardest. But, if it's part of my mission, I find learning and move forward.
Here's my post on the subject: https://vincewetzel.substack.com/p/rediscover-the-why
I make plenty of mistakes... But I also learn from them. Sure fire way to know I'm making progress because if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Work/Home/Writing all riddled with mistakes. Guess I'm doing something right then, right?
I admire your forthrightness in stating you choose the hard road, Diana, yet I wonder: where in those pursuits do you grant yourself time to rest in joy? As a recovering perfectionist, I seek to balance the frenetic go-go-go with the reflective self-congratulations on a good enough job. Be well and know I appreciate you 🙏
I wrote about this today! 🤍🎉
https://open.substack.com/pub/somesuchwhatnot/p/i-only-hit-the-curb-cause-you-made?r=lqqon&utm_medium=ios
In one of my earliest posts here on Substack, I wrote about how much I hate making mistakes, and how badly I handle failures — and how more recently, I’m trying to teach myself, and my autistic son, how to "plant seeds of self-kindness instead of self-criticism.” It’s a piece I can go back to for good reminders for myself….
https://open.substack.com/pub/itslikethis/p/plantingseeds?r=2xnja&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Hello,
The following is how I found myself in a hole and took a turbo charged tunnel boring machine to ensure that I got deeper faster. The opportunity I botched is still open.
Last week I saw the following on a Guest Post on Chuck Wending's blog Terrible Minds. (I strongly recommend the blog(".. if you’re an established author who might be interested in writing a novella for the Amazing Tales of Antifascist Action! series (or anything else), please holler. info@hornedlarkpress.com.
I think there may be preference for science fiction, this could be not true. Please read the below AWFUL WARNING about how not to do so.
I had an story idea about someone giving fascists a kicking. The context for the story is the setting for my novels, The Inhabited Systems.
I sent my submission and received a nice polite reply.
Hi Conor,
Many thanks for your interest in Horned Lark Press. We are not looking for novellas that are part of an established series, but wish you every success with the Inhabited Systems collection.
Best,
L. Everett
Submissions Editor
I have nonstandard mental wiring which I am going to, conveniently, blame for my complete inability to read and understand this reply. I am not going to post my reply due to deep embarrassment I have even think about it. I will say that I managed to double, triple and quadruple down on the connection to the Inhabited Systems universe. I did add a quivering offer to change the location for my story if it was really a requirement.
Then I sent it.
The following day I slowly realised that I had managed to be exactly the sort of person so enamored of an idea that I bend reality to distort it. The sort of person literary agents "comically" complain about in submission guidelines. I was (am) mortified. To make it all worse I received a second polite decline which did not suggest that if I contacted them again they would set the dogs on me.
I would like others to take advantage of my failing. If you are an established writer with a suitable idea you should send a submission. The submissions editor is a polite, graceful person.
Conor, your honesty here is so liberating. What you describe here sounds so incredibly… human.
We get caught up in our own thoughts, do or say something that later seems silly, act outside of our every day character… and then we want to bash ourselves for it.
But your openness about your self-perceived misstep seems to say so many deeply good things about your character. I hope you’ll find it within yourself to laugh this one off, blame the phase of the moon, and enjoy that fact that you will have many more opportunities to submit your writing.
Thanks for being a part of our community!
Fail big or go home!
There is a rumour Americans are more relaxed about failure - read this somewhere - so going bankrupt etc is not such as a shaming experience. That it represented a at least you tried.
I would much rather say I showed up and did my best - not matter how misguided at the time. It is the failure not to learn from mistakes is the brain-crunch!
Who decides what a failure is any way?
Personal "failures" - it is tough to let yourself of the hook - especially if it involves other people in your life. Forgiveness and self compassion.
My Square Peg Woman series is focusing on Dame Julian of Norwich - it has a lot of these themes too - facing inner demons etc - the third post is out this Wednesday 11th -
Have a look - it might give you a lift and food for thought
Take care and my best wishes to those you have expressed the big emotions here - courage in sharing
https/:drlucymmorleywilliams.substack.com
Dr Williams, as an American, it is interesting to hear about that rumor. :)
I wonder if one part of this is that Americans, as compared to some other parts of the world, have more opportunities for funding that aren’t tied to ourselves. For example, we can set up a Limited Liability Corporation (LLC) for a company, and if that company fails then the financial loss is tied only to the LLC, not the owners personal finances.
Your comments have me pondering, like you are, how these types of opportunities (or lack thereof) shape our perceptions of failure… What an interesting global perspective to consider!
I also love your mention of forgiveness and self-compassion. I love to imagine that once I can accept that I have “failed” at something, there comes a freedom and a gift on the other side of the door - those gifts of forgiveness and self compassion. 💗
Thanks for sharing your insights with us!
Oh my gosh, in Belgium, if you had one business not work out, you are basically done for life. Pretty much literally if you were declared bankrupt, you aren't allowed to run a business for X years and in the eyes of people as well. Starting a business and not succeeding is just not a thing. It's also because there are so many small businesses that do well and people do support them with personal referrals 'my cousin does X so if anyone asks, I will tell them to hire my cousin' type thing so that helps.
Wow, Sarah. What an enormous cultural difference.
I like how it sounds like the high stakes of entrepreneurship do encourage people to be more conscious about supporting small business in Belgium, that seems like a positive as compared to the “Walmart” mindset in so much of the US.
But that sounds terrifying, and not supportive of taking risks! Bravo to anyone who still dares to try, wow! 😮
I wrote a post about the joy of success and a shortcut to failure https://wegway.substack.com/p/the-artists-high-and-the-click
How interesting to see this today. I’ve been in a challenging marriage for over 30 years. Now, it is quietly ending. Some would say ‘failing’. I don’t think I do. I think I failed myself in many ways, while trying to make the marriage ‘not fail’. Getting married at 20, becoming parents a year and a half later, his undiagnosed mental illness and disability, my undiagnosed neurodivergence (we got diagnosed in our late 40’s), some toxic relationship programming to deconstruct…it was never easy. But we grew up together.
We will never not love each other in some way–but it isn’t good for either of us now. And we both see it.
I think the only ‘fail’ is failing to learn and grow.
yes - change is a life long experience - the word fail is what? it did not work out the way we expected. Your statement that the only "fail" is to not grow and learn is genius
Beautiful I agree and relate
‘Failing not to learn’
I had a huge satire failure in my past writing life - thought about never writing again because of it - but it was such a good (although at the time devastating) lesson to learn about writing with care.
I am so glad you decided to keep writing!!! 💙
Just today I found out I didn't make the cut for a writing contest. I didn't expect to win, but I secretly hoped to make the long list. How will I reframe this? Edit the piece, try to improve it, and try and try again to find a home for it.
Yes helpful thx
This is not on a Substack, but might be of interest to our group—about not hitting anything on the bucket list but still viewing their work as success. https://writerunboxed.com/2024/09/10/rethinking-your-bucket-list-accomplishments/
Wow, great article! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks! I thought it was a very 'be kind to yourself' article!
I've always tried to view mistakes and setbacks as learning experiences and to reframe them in a positive light. Yet, when I began doing improv, my perspective shifted completely. At first, it was the principle of "Yes, and" instead of "Yes, but" that rewired some connections in my brain. However, it was the second rule, "fail cheerfully," (or "fail forward") that truly transformed my approach to mistakes and setbacks. It encourages boldness, embracing failure as a stepping stone for growth, in ways I had never practiced before.
When asked why I do improv, I often say, "It's therapy for me." Improv offers so much learning in an environment where failure is genuinely fun.
I love how improv helps us explore what failure really means, turning it into something we can celebrate and learn from.
Fail cheerfully and fail forward. What great themes to lead with!
I’ve had the urge to improv…will have to act on it the next opportunity!
I never imagined that improv could be such a source of fun, laughter, and energy. Give it a try—I’m certain you’ll enjoy it. It’s a space where you can play around with those seemingly risky, silly ideas and discover that they aren’t so intimidating after all.
I am not sure if this counts as failure but it definitely felt like it back then.
Sharing the post below, my story of overcoming my limiting beliefs ( a work in progress)..
https://open.substack.com/pub/saimaahmed/p/your-adversity-can-be-your-stepping?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2y2g0c
Is this correct? „This SmallTalk will be open through Friday, August 13“
Glad to help 😉
Ha! Wow! You spotted a total failure in this thread! I’ll go clean that up… Friday SEPTEMBER 13th. *sheepish grin *
I just failed Sunday night. There I was leaving a photography exhibition in NYC with a camera on my person and all hopped up on visual art talk when I realize I'm heading toward an impromptu hip hop concert / show happening in the bed of a Cybertruck on a side street. All kinds of amazing looking people all over the street and sidewalks.
But I'm tired and just want to get home after 3 straight days of traveling in from the burbs for the weekend long exhibition. Plus, I despise the Cybertruck.
I talk myself out of pulling out my camera and setting up on a corner to start creating art.
People / concert imagery is not typically my thing but I passed on a huge opportunity to create some unique art.
It's still eating at me that I passed on this moment.
Feel ya
The missed shots. 😞
Sharing is Caring, when we share something as vulnerable as perceiving a happening as a failure, it brings us to all that is beneath the imposition of failing — a treasure chest of hard feelings unbury the deeper truth of not failing. We heal.
Consciously and unconsciously when my twins were born at one pound each I felt horrendous failure for years. Writing and living through layers of self-blame robbed me/us of living a full dignified life.
Survival mode took over until one person @Charles Esenstein read my book and said "I'm sorry that happened to you."
This unleashed powerful emotions and memories — I did not fail, the hospital was negligent and held me captive without an exit. I had a sonogram of proof of perfect babies just before unnecessary intervention. Nothing was wrong but 'power over women's bodies.'
I rewrote my book from a more resourced, empowered, healed, (not victim), true space of what I had always known in my body This restored Joy, Acceptance, Connection. But Grief over missed experience for my girls continues, alongside navigating disabilities.
My recent essay "Space for Joy" shows how an Ancestral Drum ceremony weaves our stories forward and backward as blessing... not failure. It is here and references my book "Edge of Grace, Fierce Awakenings to Love"
https://open.substack.com/pub/prajnaohara/p/space-for-joy?r=ewam6&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
A recent reader just sent me this email, "Half way through, wow. Nearly cried a few times. Don't know what to say! I have found it hard to stop reading, very captivating.
Reading how you nursed the twins is so beautiful! On my cranialsacral course, we have just done a module on birthing and I will recommend your book to my colleagues as we talked about birth traumas and unnecessary medical interventions. My awareness on this subject is growing! Your real life account is so scary! More people and women should be aware of it.
Hope you are well!!! Great book!" ~ Lauren McCoy
Thank you for reading. I hope you will benefit from our journey.
Thank you for sharing. I have a major birth trauma story too, with hospital negligence. I did not write it in memoir, but I ‘re-storied’ it in my novel, keeping the impact, but changing the narrative, giving my character the support I should have had.
I was floored when someone else read the birth experience aloud. I felt so invisible at the hospital, so isolated afterward (this was 1995, pre-internet). So very ill for so very long. These kind of stories need to be heard.
Oh my, I want to read your Novel was it healing for you to write?
I am sorry so sorry for the what a fuckernuckle system did to you.
Yes tell more of these stories.
My twins were born oct 1996 instead of Jan 1997.
Thank you for this comment
It means a ton!
🌹
It was interesting that as I wrote, I was also getting pelvic floor physiotherapy for the first time. My body took an enormous amount of damage in delivery, (forceps damaged my cervix and pelvic floor, internal stitching gone wrong needed re-doing later, plus my uterus didn’t clamp down and I was bleeding out, the story goes on…). I had massively dissociated from it, so 26 years later I was getting in touch emotionally through writing, and reconnecting with my body at the same time. Not easy, but yes, it was healing. I’m seeking an agent for my novel now. It’s a delightful fantasy exploring identity and innocence, power and love, called The Elementist.
Failure is too absolute and definitive a word in most contexts. I try to avoid it 😉
I can't remember who said it but this is the perspective I try to adopt: you didn't fail, you just found one way that didn't work.
'Failure' is information to help us get where we need to go.
I tried to make a sponge cake a few months ago. Tricky as the temperature always dips in my range oven when I open to check. And I haven't mastered how much air to whip into the mixture. It deflated and became a tart (that went down very well with friends, regardless).
What's the message here? 🤷🏽♂️ That good things come from 'unsuccessful' attempts.
Tell me more about this sponge cake turned tart! I love baking and getting inspired by people's creations. <3
Well … I think it was a clementine and cardamom sponge cake. Or was it rosemary 🤔 Either work well. If you add more substance to the batter, like ground almond, and manage to either underheat or underwhisk the mixture … you may well end up with what I got.
Clementine and cardamom sounds like a dream!
I find that on Substack in particular, access to all the metrics and being able to see other people's successes in the feed tempts me to move my own goalposts. The comparison game always leads to failure, because even though we share a hosting platform we're all on a separate trajectory and working on different projects. I consciously know this, but it doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure every time a post I'm super proud of doesn't immediately perform as well as I expect it to.
Something I took up very recently that has helped me, though, is to write down achievable goals for myself to physically check off when I meet them, and to do anything I can to "keep my eyes on my own paper." Not always an easy task, and I've had to limit my time on the feed and use the mute button more often than I'd like to, just because it's so easy to get in my head about why the people I came up with are hitting milestones much more quickly than I am.
Substack is for writers, and I love that, but especially with its developments of the last year or so it is not removed from the pitfalls of the social media comparison game. Eyes on your own paper, folks!
Eyes on your own paper! Love that. I see and feel a lot of what you’re describing as I wander around my feed. It’s hard.
I'm there with ya!
A potentially helpful framing (at least it's been helpful for me today): I just listened to this podcast episode that had put side-by-side, almost as if they were synonymous, egoism and capitalism. And it's got me thinking that perfectionism is a form of egoism (you can be perfect) and is egoism is a form of capitalism (it is in my self-interest to be perfect to profit/succeed/etc), then capitalism and egoism and perfectionism is the antithesis of service. And in an effort to stay true and authentic to both myself and others, I want to move more towards service. Which naturally means I have to move away from those other things.
I feel like it's kinda lofty and tedious, but also feels kinda important to understanding why I write, because it is so often to 1. be understood 2. offer that understanding to others.
Hard relate! 😣
Not comparing or holding ourselves to the whims of algorithms; instead, recognizing “a post I'm super proud of”—the joy of sharing our creativity, of discovering the Creative Person inside of us—can be a wonder if we so choose.
Absolutely!!
Ahh... This strikes a chord with my own struggle to keep away from the constant comparison and subscriber number games! Thank you for sharing this.
Keep doing you Zahra! Numbers are fickle, the most valuable thing is to keep making work we're proud of. x
I'm trying (though still often "failing"!) to think of failure, and the sense of it, as just another emotion/sensation that we have to experience as part of being human. It's easy to dwell on it, harder sometimes to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, but it's normal/natural so really we have no choice to somehow embrace it...
Failure is all framing, and often times there is so much utility in it, that the word becomes a bit of a paradox.
For instance, If falling short of a goal set you on a different, more aligned path, then your failure was a total success.
This has changed over the years, but failure for me, right now, is if I allow myself to give up. I don't have to be the best. I don't have to be even technically "successful" at the things I'm trying. But if I give up on things that feel good and excite me, then I'm not allowing myself the freedom to flourish. And if that happens, I've failed myself and my potential.
I love this Macey.
“The freedom to flourish”—Yes, Macey!
I was gonna play along—add my own perspective on failure. But the sentiment is being shared multiple times here. Let’s create a “No Such Thing As Failure” club. Like @lisabolin says, if we taught every child how to place “failure” in the proper context of a life of learning, curiosity, and wonder (aka a life well-lived), then future generations would see disappointment and growth in whole new and beneficial ways.
Hey, Kert, 100 Rejections Club might appeal to you!
I think the name would have to be revised for me to join. Feels too negative. But I get the club’s by-laws.
We embrace rejection together, knowing the more we submit, the more we’re trying to reach our creative goals, the more we’re learning from constructive feedback, and the more we support each other with silly races to the top (bottom?) of the monthly rejection pile. 🤪
I’ve been digging in my past a lot lately, as I work on memoir. I was discussing some of the events with my mother to glean her perspectives of long ago events.
As I reflected on a significant “about face” turn I made in my early years I asked my mother, “seriously, I was heading down such an exceedingly bad road, for so long, and then I just stopped on a dime and went the other direction. I lived it, and I’m writing about it, but I still don’t honestly understand how I did it?”
She said, “It was as if what happened to you when you were younger made it impossible for you to care for yourself, but when you suddenly had to care for someone else, you were able to do anything.”
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to “love ourselves”, “value ourselves”, etc. But sometimes you just don’t know how, or you can’t. Sometimes the only is to change motivation. Change focus. Help someone else. And in the journey, sometimes we find our own successes.
Dear Rose, I can't wait fro your memoir. "And in the journey, sometimes we find our own successes." and the powerful self love and self care in the doing. Thank you!
You unlocked a new level here with that cute kitty in my feed! 🐱
My son and I went on a hike recently - we had hopes to make it to the top of a small mountain but neither of us thought we’d make it.
We set out with the intention to fail.
The moment we realized there was a chance we could make it was glorious!
What if we all embarked on more journeys fully expecting to “fail”?
Here’s a picture from the top in my notes: https://substack.com/@hannakeiner/note/c-67682028?r=334dr8&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=notes-share-action
Hello Hanna, I read your note. Yes to the view and all of the learning along the way. The top is overrated - the journey is the bomb. Thank you! well done.
It’s so easy to forget that it’s all about the journey - especially when it feels bumpy on rough terrain. Thank you for your comment; just because I’ve experienced it once (or many times) doesn’t mean I don’t get distracted by the shiny top.
How we set our intentions can make all the difference. Thanks for that reminder, Hanna!
Ah, failure, the other F word. The other day, I was driving with a friend to an art exhibit where I submitted what I thought was the wrong piece of art. As it intermediate artist, I’m still trying to “find my voice.” Anyway, I did not win an award, where over half of the participants did and for a minute I felt like a failure. Until I reminded myself that my situation was successful—that I actually submitted the art, to be vulnerable, to be open. Often times, we forget that we can change the narrative in our thinking brain when we (mistakenly) consider our life situations as failures, by reminding ourselves we don’t have to follow that thought. We can rewrite our own narrative.
What a great reminder that we get to define what success is!
Yes!
Yes the Fuckernuckles of it all. I am happy you changed your narrative. Yes we have many paths to follow why take the bummer path. Thank you! PS I say this as I know that track very well. I'm going to say used to - it can become a unconscious habit until it is not.
Haha fuckerknuckles — I must remember that one. Thanks!
Yes yes ;)
As we say at the 100 Rejections Club, even if we get a rejection, it shows we’re trying to get our creative work out there! And what a lovely resolution for you, Maureen, to see your art on display. Congrats!
Thanks so much Erin! It's an exciting time in my life!
I love the idea of 100 rejections and the courage it must take. I feel every time I push publish it's the same, does it count? Thank you!
I’d say yes to that Prajna! And I feel you on that front too.
This is such a great topic and one that drudges up the good, bad and the ugly from all of us.
I think I have made a friend of my failures, I no longer treat it as an enemy that needs to be overcome.
I take it along with me on my journey to do better. I am a homeschooling mom and I teach my kids all the time that failure isn't ultimate. You certainly can make a friend out of it and use it to guide your efforts. If you see there's room to grow, keep putting in effort but if you have given it your all then simply change course.
I believe there are always more than one ways to reach somewhere. Sometimes you just have to carve your own path in order to do it.
To make friends with failure. Yes.
Your kids are so fortunate to learn this from you at an early age. They will surely have more joy and resiliency in life from these perspectives!
Thank you Rose for your kind words. I do believe that my kids are so so fortunate to have a choice and autonomy with their learning and yes, I try to impart the little I have learned from living thus far.❤️
There are lyrics to a song that say “Thanksgiving for every wrong move.” I embraced these words when I was fired from my job. It changed everything. And as a result I found my passion.
Failure, a word I do not use by the way, often leads to looking at life from outside the box. And opens other opportunities.
What song is this? I wanna listen!
The band is called Poi Dog Pondering.
Let’s all substitute “failure“ with “opportunity“ for the win!
Yes!! same as when one door closes, another opens!
As a teacher, I’ve talked to students often about failure. Then it comes to exams and university places and the stress and fear involved. I gently remind them that there are more ways of doing the same thing. So many options than the binary or success/failure or pass/failure. I remind them that their interpretations of failure can be a win for someone, it depends on the start point (I particularly remember one student who only just passed his final year English exam and was so happy because he was sure he’d ‘fail’).
In my own life, I could look at my divorce as a failure, or that time I lost my job as failure, or leaving the job that didn’t suit me as failure, but instead, they’re all been opportunities for growth, for reflection, for change.
Thanks for the food for thought!
Bravo, Lisa! You are teaching younglings how to handle failure right. We can only control how we respond to a situation.
Exactly! We don’t need the stress and debilitating self-hatred that comes with perceived failure
"Opportunities for growth," yes! I love that approach.
My favorite quote is by Samuel Beckett: “Ever try? Ever fail? Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” I first heard it in my MFA program and it’s allowed me to take risks in my writing.
"Fail better." Hot damn.
Right??
So good to fail better
Indeed!
Can we get that as a T-shirt or coffee mug?
I used to have that t-shirt!
This is such a good topic. I see failure and success as different points on the same line. Also, I don’t think of it as binary where something has to be a success OR failure. Sometimes parts of a project work and some parts don’t. This doesn’t make it a resounding fail. But nonetheless the word itself is so loaded and can be damaging when used as a put-down trying to keep someone in their place.
I’d like to say that I can hear the word failure (associated with something I’ve done), and take it with grace, when in actual fact it’s a gut-punch feeling. I’ve found that a nuanced approach softens the blow (a little!): was it a total failure or was there a tiny part that was actually okay?
I love that question: "was there a tiny part that was actually okay?"
Thanks Ryn! I hope it helps if you ever need it.
I feel your gardening pain! My brassicas have been a text book fail because they have been decimated by a caterpillar infestation. Dwindling from 12 plants to 5 to…3. Next year there will be netting! Definitely lessons learned. Nature is pretty forgiving and gardens seem to be able to take quite a lot of ‘experiments and experiences’ so I hope your onions have a better year next year!
Here to be around people also frustrated with their plants/gardens!! The amount of strife I've felt over the past four or so months trying to get rid of these damn fungus gnats in my houseplants is wild.
I can grow plants outdoors but not indoors! Never managed to hold onto a single one, so I feel your frustration! I've heard nematodes are good for fungus gnats. Hope you find something that helps.
Thanks so much! That’s next on my list to buy as a solution. I’ve gone through like 7 different tests and trials. My plants - usually such a pleasure - are wearing me down!!
Oh no! Those drive me nuts, too. But I’m an avid outdoor plant pro and a total indoor plant rookie.
Every year is a new success and a new failure, and each time I feel a mixture of joy and frustration. But it's the one place where I feel most at home, and no home is ever perfect. I'll say a little garden prayer for your brassicas.
Oh yes, that gut punch is painful. I've felt that, too. But I do agree that failure and success are not binary, that there are smaller aspects of each in many events our lives face.
I fail all the time in my garden. This year it was the white storage onions. First I planted them in a bed whose soil has been underperforming, then I neglected to fertilize them adequately, and then (you're not gonna believe this) I left them in a shallow tub to cure while I went on vacation, it rained like 6 inches in 2 days, and I came home to those onions swimming in rancid water. Yuck! But I've learned several really valuable things in these events. Painful but valuable.
All relatable, including the 'not an either or'
I enjoyed reading this exchange Jo and Robin.
Thank you
Thank you Prajna ☺️
Probably my biggest failure was that I did disastrously in my A'levels many moons ago, but it opened a door to a different university life in a place I didn't know, far from home. I had a wonderful time and still maintain friendships made there for over 35 years. My views on success have changed dramatically over the years - the older I get, the more I value the little daily successes, rather than fret about the big things I used to focus on that were all linked to ambition and where I thought I should be at that time of my life. I now see failure as part of my ongoing learning process.
Yes, to the daily little successes and not what the world considers success.
Helen, this is such a great reframe. We're all made up of those big life moments where failure or change turned us left or right.
And your focus on the little successes feels so SmallStacky!
As someone who is having massive feelings of ‘being a failure’ recently I was really excited to see you starting this discussion 🥰
Aw Sweetheart, I don't know you but I look forward to reading about your accusations to yourself. Writing is so healing. This discussion has already shed light on my own as not really true, such a wide range, not an either/or.
Thank you for your honesty.
Great timing! Those feelings are so big, sometimes overwhelming. But I wonder where they can take us?